Monday, April 27, 2015

Warning

Saw this in a bathroom recently:


Warning: do not use kung-fu to attack the baby changing station - it will only fail.
Alternatively: This is not a portal to the matrix.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Netflix insanity

My husband was about to log into Netflix when he noticed this picture on the screen:


Perfectly innocuous family scene of them watching some funny TV show together and laughing at the antics of something or another, right?  Wrong. Take a closer look:


They're not even watching a show yet. They're browsing through the available shows and laughing their crazy butts off. I don't know about you, but when I'm browsing Netflix trying to find a show to watch I'm not laughing like some insane person. Mostly I frown as I dredge through the crap to find the shows I actually want to watch.

So basically, this is a family of people who have completely gone over the edge of insanity by their inability to find a show in a reasonable amount of time to watch together.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

This is what we do at weddings...

A while back we attended a wedding, and the favors were ingredients for s'mores. There was a decided lack of fires upon which to roast the marshmallows and we were getting hungry so my husband came up with a ingenious solution.



This is what we do at weddings. Besides sit there awkwardly while trying to avoid small talk with people we barely know, that is...

Monday, April 6, 2015

The Phone




Anyone who is introverted and/or has social anxiety understands the terror that accompanies having to use a phone. Most people (read: Extroverts) don't understand because making a phone call is easy for them. Just make the call, they say. But it's just not that simple. To an introvert a phone call is a forced social interaction where it is impossible to read body language and the rules are not well defined. Which means it is always a disaster waiting to happen.

Any time I have to make a phone call I go through the five stages of social grief:



In order to avoid the phone at all costs over the years I developed a system that has worked fairly well for me. Always remember the four T's:







The problem with my system is that it is not foolproof. Sometimes I have no choice but to make a phone call because, for some reason, being an adult requires you to make many phone calls. Yet another example of why adulthood is not all it's cracked up to be.

This isn't usually an issue at home because I have time to mentally prepare myself for making the phone call (ala the gif at the beginning of this entry). If the phone rings at home I let the answering machine get it because 9 times out of 10 it's either a telemarketer, not the kind of phone call that needs a call back (like doctor appointment reminders), or someone I know whom I can text a response to instead of calling back.

However, at work it's different. It's technically a part of  my job description to answer the phone if necessary, and if no one else is there to get that phone I have no choice. I just started working in the bakery, and usually there's always someone else to answer the phone until one night. It did not go well. It was especially bad because it was the first time I had to unexpectedly answer a phone call, unprepared, in years.



My coworkers were in the freezer finding product, so I was all alone. My brain then makes the connection that I will have to answer the phone and it will probably be a customer with a million questions that I don't have an answer to because all the people who know stuff are only in the bakery in the morning. So not only will it be a phone call, but it will also be extra nerve wracking because I won't know anything. My brain then overloads, and does the only thing it can think of.



That is literally what happened. My brain shut down just long enough to deny that there was a phone call until it stopped. I had only a small moment of relief, broken when the intercom pops up saying there is a call holding for the Bakery. Which meant I would have to figure out how to push the buttons in the correct order so I didn't hang up on the person (which is what happened the last time I answered the phone there). But by the time I get over there the hold button has stopped blinking, meaning the customer already hung up. This whole sequence happens about three times, with me messing it up in a new way every time. At this point I'm wondering who the heck wants to call a bakery at 8pm and why are they so adamant to get through that they feel the need to call five times in a row while I keep screwing it up. Probably someone who really, REALLY needs cake.


This sort of thing happens from time to time, often enough to further reinforce my hatred of phones.  I dislike phones so much that I didn't own a real cell phone until one year ago. Now that I do have one it spends more time being used as a tiny computer than it does a phone. On an average day I'm 100% more likely to be using it to browse pinterest or listen to audio books than to be making a call. Only about five people have the number, and it's likely going to stay that way.

Ironically, having a cell phone has actually helped me avoid further phone calls by being able to text and e-mail from wherever I am. I guess that's why people call them 'mobile devices' more often than 'cell phones' nowadays because phone is just one of the things it does.

Here's hoping that one day those mobile devices make phone calls obsolete. Then we can all do this to our phones in revenge and say goodbye to them forever: